Friday, December 21, 2007

Happy Holidays!

The mother of all holidays is right around the corner. As this weekend passes, this holiday commences. It really is the most wonderful time of the year.

In honor of this, the grandest of days, I present to you a short youtube video which tells the whole story of this great occasion. Please enjoy. And don't mind the party invitation at the end of the video, I didn't make the video, I simply stole it.



Remember, Festivus is December 23rd! Happy Feats!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

The house approved another $70 billion in spending for the war today. $70 billion! And does anybody know? Not a single person that I've talked to. But on the plus side, I've yet to meet one person who hasn't heard that Jamie Lynne Spears is pregnant. And each person has their own opinion on this story.

Way to have your priorities straight, America!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

One year ago tonight Kim, Haas, Josh, Courtney & I took our impromptu middle of the night trip to AC a few days before Xmas because we're all loaded and can afford to lose money this close to the holidays.

In what apparently is becoming a yearly tradition, once again I found myself in AC a week before Christmas. But not impromptu style at 4am this time. Instead, it was a nice early night, where I was actually back on the parkway before midnight.

Went to the Trop Monday night with Nic. Gambled a little, had some Guinness & Irish breakfast at RiRa for dinner, and saw I Am Legend at the IMAX. Not a great movie, not bad either. But more importantly, saw the prologue for next summer's The Dark Knight. I'm officially in full-fledged geek countdown mode for next July 18. The movie is going to be ridiculous.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Stupid weather. Was supposed to go to Atlantic City tonight to see a midnight showing of I Am Legend at the IMAX in the Trop. During the preview for this movie, they were going to show the first 7 minutes of next summer's The Dark Knight. Being the huge Batman freak that I am, this was all the attraction for me. I don't care where I see I Am Legend, but to see a sneak peak at TDK, wow, I want that.

But nooooo. It's rainsnowsleeting out. And who feels like driving to AC in this crap? Now what am I going to do tonight? Twiddle my thumbs?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I ******* love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

Sincerely,

Every Girl Ever

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

It's funny how death works. My buddy Jordan was killed in a motorcycle accident nearly six months ago. Obviously, like everyone else I've lost, random things remind me of him, and usually not a day goes by that I don't think about him at least once.

Today is one of those weird days where for no particular reason I can't get him out of my head.

A bunch of us are planning a huge trip to Baltimore next month (something like 40 people going for 4 days as of right now). It's a trip that Jordan should be flying in for. All this planning for that trip is bringing the memory of him right back to the front of my mind.

You're still missed, man. Always.

Lyrics to Mer's "Rewind"

I never got to tell you
You're the reason why I'm me
'Cause everything about you
Is exactly what I aim to be
Now memories won't do
This here family,
Won't be the same without you

I wasn't ready for the exit
I wasn't ready for the leave
Could you stay another moment
Press rewind for me
I wasn't ready for goodbye
I always thought there's be more time
To say I love you

What can I say
I always thought you'd be around
I never thought you'd have to go away
What can I do
When every goofey thing I see
Reminds me how you used to be funny
Now photographs won't do
This little music man
Won't be the same without you

I wasn't ready for the exit
I wasn't ready for the leave
Could you stay another moment
Press rewind for me
I wasn't ready for goodbye
I always thought there'd be more time
To say I love you

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Uggs

Just got done talking to a buddy about Uggs, those stupid boot things that girls all love.

I'll admit, I think they're ugly, and one of the worst fashion statements of my lifetime, but I don't really see why so many guys get all worked up over them. There's a few things guys need to understand when they go on their rant about Uggs.

1) There are other parts of the female body that they should be focusing on, instead of their feet.

2) Girls wear uggs not to impress guys. They do other stuff to impress guys. Girls wear uggs to impress other girls. Why? I don't know. I haven't figured out how the female mind works. It's a mystery to me. But I do know that most every fashion decision a girl makes isn't to impress guys, it's to impress other girls. Very weird.

3) If you're anything like me, talking crap about someones fashion sense is the last thing you can do, because, if you're like me, you have zero fashion sense at all, and just wear whatever's comfortable, or whatever's on the top of the drawer when you open it.

4) Maybe her feet are cold?

The end.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

25 Reasons Beer Is Better Than Women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long
2. Beer stains wash out
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
6. Hangovers go away
7. A beer label comes off without a fight
8. Beer is never late
9. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
11. Beer never gets a headache
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
15. A beer always goes down easy
16. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
17. You can share a beer with your friends
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
19. Beer is always wet
20. Beer doesn't demand equality
21. You can have a beer in public
22. A beer doesn't care when you come
23. A frigid beer is a good beer
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony

Damn Patriots

They really need to lose a game one of these weeks. Tonight would have been perfect. Or next week against Pittsburgh, I don't care. If they beat Pittsburgh to go to 13-0, they have the Jets & Dolphins next, so that's easily 15-0. If they're 15-0 when they play the Giants, they're going to murder the Giants, so they can go 16-0. They need to lose to Pittsburgh so they can be 14-1 at that point, and be resting all their starters for the playoffs, and the Giants can get an easy win.

In fantasy news:
Works league: 6-7, scoring champion, in playoffs
Big Money league: 6-6-1, out of playoffs
Pub24 league: 6-7, scoring champion, out of playoffs
Fun league: 8-5, in playoffs

Quite the disappointing year for me. Only 1 game over .500 for the season overall. Still have a shot at 2 championships, though. We'll see how that goes the next two weeks.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Eli Manning

It still bothers me that for all intents and purposes the Giants traded Philip Rivers, Nate Kaeding, and Shawn Merriman for Eli Manning. Who knows, maybe he'll turn out to be good. Doesn't look like it, though.

Sean Taylor's untimely death this week reminded me a lot of that '04 draft. A lot of what if's? Sean Taylor was the man I really wanted the Giants to draft at #4. I thought our offense could still go a few seasons with Kerry Collins at the helm, and we needed a SS. Drafting Gibril Wilson in the 7th round instead worked out, but I began wondering, what if we had drafted Sean Taylor? Maybe he doesn't get hurt in a game 3 weeks ago, which lets him be at his home in Miami on Monday morning, which, unfortunately, is when the break in occured. Or maybe he became infatuated with NYC and moved his whole family up here? Who knows.

Either way, the point is, it's a tragedy. A senseless one that need not have happened.

Anyway, before Eli's last second heroics tonight, I was planning on writing a post about how bad Ernie Accorsi screwed up that draft, and all the players we could have had in his place. I won't go into all that detail now, because somehow he pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Instead, I'll just give you a nice long list of players drafted after the Giants #4 spot in that draft (where they took Rivers and traded him for Manning), a lot of whom have accomplished way more than he has.

Sean Taylor, Kellen Winslow Jr, Roy Williams, DeAngelo Hall, Dunta Robinson, Ben Roethlisberger, Jonathon Vilma, Lee Evans, Tommy Harris, Will Smith, Vance Wilfork, Stephen Jackson, Kevin Jones, Ben Watson... and that's just round one.

Igor Olshansky, Tatum Bell, Julius Jones, Bob Sanders, Michael Boulware, Nick Hardwick, Chris Cooley, Bernard Berrian, Matt Schaub, Jerricho Cotchery, Nathan Vasher, Jason David, Jared Allen, Jake Scott, Erik Coleman, Nathaniel Adibi, Michael Turner, Mike Karney, DJ Hackett, Thomas Tapeh, Dexter Wynn, Jim Sorgi, Patrick Crayton, and Derrick Ward.

Yup, wow.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Mommy wow, I'm a big kid now

Strangely impressed with myself tonight.

December is always an expensive month, that's no secret. Extra expensive for me this year because my cousin Loren is getting married on New Years Eve, and that's costing me a fair chunk of pennies. I hate being broke.

Tonight was my friends 23rd birthday. We went to hibachi for dinner. I was literally a penny pincher at that place. Ordered iced tea instead of alcohol, and got just chicken (instead of steak, shrimp, or anything else expensive). But that isn't what impressed me.

Everyone went out to a bar afterwards. Naturally I would have loved to gone. I don't want to be home at 11pm on a Friday night, sitting alone in my basement, writing a blog. That's pathetic.

But, as I said before, I'm broke. And this bar had a cover charge. And drinks are probably unreasonably expensive. So, like a big boy, I passed, and saved my wallet probably 75-100 dollars. Now I get to watch survivor re-runs on DVD while all my friends have a blast in Old Bridge -- whereas old me (and by that, I mean younger me) wouldn't have even thought about his financial situation, would have just gone to the bar and spent an inordinate amount of money, and in a few days would have complained about how broke he really was.

I miss old me. Growing up sucks.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Christmas Time Is Here Again

Started my holiday shopping - online - today. I've never started before December. Ever. Only bought one thing, but still, that's better than most years. Got some decorations down from the attic, too. This is how I know the holidays are approaching.

This, and I went to the Jester last night, and they had the lights up in the front room. As soon as this happens every year, that's how I know Christmas is actually upon us. Not sure why something at the Jester signifies the start of my holidays, but it does.

Broke out the Christmas CDs today, too. I can't listen yet, but that doesn't mean my family doesn't want to listen. A Very Sharkey Christmas is now available, again. If you don't have a copy of it, IM me, and I'll send it to you.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

H.H. Holmes

I'm no historian, but I do consider myself fairly educated in this department, especially when it comes to things within the U.S. But I just finished reading Erik Larson's The Devil In The White City. To say that I was unfamiliar with the "serial killer" H.H. Holmes is an understatement. I never knew such a demon could exist.

Here's a man who was married multiple times (legally 3, upwards of 6 or 7 total). Fathered one child. Aborted at least one other. He owned a hotel on 63rd in Chicago in the early 1890's, the World's Fair Hotel (the Chicago World's Fair was open from May 1893-October 1893). He killed at least 3 spouses. At least one sister-in-law. At least 2 other "companions." A co-worker. At least four children (not his own). He admitted to killing 27 people. The remains of 9 of them were discovered. But during his reign in Chicago, estimates have placed the number as high as 200 people, as there were countless disappearances of young girls-- fitting the description of what Holmes craved-- never to be solved.

The fact that he had an incinerator built in his basement may have something to do with that.

History fascinates me. I won't say murder fascinates me, because then you'll all think I'm some kind of crazy. But that a man this horrific, and this nationally known in his time, could be so disregarded by our generation today blows my mind.

I'm not telling you to go read this book. Most of the people I associate with would probably find it boring and unreadable.

I'm just saying, there's so much more out there than what we've been told, it's unbelievable.